3 Ways to Practice Listening thru Love
(We always change names to protect confidentiality)
In Andrew’s post on “Three Crucial Aspects of Listening,” he gave us a great place to launch into the practice of listening.
When Jimmy and Sarah sat down in the office and told their cycle of relationship, it mirrored others I have heard. They had married 10 years ago, then divorced five years ago. After a year of talking on the phone, they moved back in together to try the relationship again. But they argued constantly. A few months before they came to me, Sarah had again moved out. Why were they in the office? They wanted to find a way to make it work, but knew they needed help.
One basic skill they needed help with was listening. Sounds simple, right? But only 2% of the population has had any training in it. A well-known 20th century Christian theologian, Paul Tillich, wrote, “The first duty of love is to listen.”
However, it is easier said than done.
Jimmy and Sarah had built so many patterns in their relationship that they didn’t know how to love or how to listen. So, to start with, I gave them three very basic ways to practice listening.
Become Self-Aware
Self-awareness is so key.
We all come into conversations from somewhere else. Maybe it’s a tense meeting at work, a rude clerk at the store, or the frustration of sitting in traffic. Whatever it is, it sticks to us more than we realize. And before we know it, that leftover frustration spills out—we’re short, snappy, maybe even kicking the cat on the way in the door.
And of course, we blame the “stupid cat.”
But what is really going on? We’ve lost track of ourselves for a moment. This is where self-awareness comes in? Take a breath and notice: What am I carrying right now? Where’s my head? Where’s my heart?
This is a great time to remind yourself, I’m a recipient of God’s love.
Try establishing a little ritual of “letting go” or “shaking off.” Picture a dog shaking from head to tail after a run through the sprinklers—that’s what we need to do. Shake off the hurts or heaviness from the last environment before stepping into the next one.
Then you’re ready to move into the “second way of listening through love.”
Slow Down
The problem with conflict is speed. Once emotions kick in, the conversation starts moving faster and faster. Voices rise, words come quicker, and before we know it, we’re reacting instead of listening.
So, slow everything down. Notice the pace of the argument. Start simply—by slowing the speed of your words and responses.
If you need to, take a break. Step away to breathe, get some water, and let your emotions settle. It can even help to agree on when to return to the conversation once both of you have cooled down.
Slowing down is where real listening begins. When we’re in “fight mode,” we can’t truly hear one another. In that state, we tend to say things that wound, blame, or divide.
So step back. Breathe. And then move into the second way.
Show Kindness
Finally, it’s helpful to remember that love is kind. Whenever we’re acting in a way that can’t honestly be described as kind, it isn’t love.
Listening with kindness means giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. It means recognizing that they, too, have come from their own experiences, challenges, and hurts.
Your goal isn’t to win or to prove a point—it’s to understand. Ask questions that invite them to share more of what they’re thinking and feeling. Let kindness guide your curiosity.
That’s how love listens.
This Week
Notice what’s happening inside you. Choose to slow down. Be self-aware. Show kindness in both listening and responding.
Remember: you are the only person you can change. Keep in mind during conversations that the person standing before you is deeply loved by God. Let that awareness guide your words and actions, and allow it to enhance the way you communicate.
Scripture to Consider
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)