3 Ingredients of Meaningful Listening
(names have been changed to protect confidentiality)
When James and Allen joined me on Zoom for their mediation session, the tension was visible. Both seemed to be forcing half smiles as we read through the mediation guidelines. After voicing agreement to the guidelines (with the enthusiasm you might expect from a teenager forced to discuss screen time limits), we moved into an exercise designed to help them listen to one another. What happened next?... A masterclass on what listening looks like when you are really just waiting to speak. After listening, each of them crafted a careful story about the other, but it was barely peppered with the thoughts and emotions of what had actually been spoken.
This moment of mediation really emphasized a core tenet of listening - you can’t truly speak graciously if you haven’t first meaningfully listened. How you listen shapes your words before they ever leave your mouth.
Did you know that our brains can listen at almost 3x the speed that we can talk?
A quick Google search will show you that we listen at an average of 400 WPM (words per minute) and talk around 150 WPM. If I am landing the plane well, you have arrived with me, understanding that our brains have a significant capacity to modify information we receive before we respond to it.
This is why we need 3 things in our hearts, mind, and body before we even consider speaking a word:
Patience
Our brains drive us to make conclusions and summarize information. Often, we even do this preemptively. Patience means slowing this natural inclination to “conclude”. Patience means engaging with the words being spoken to you and the meaning they have for the person speaking, rather than your own perspective. Patience means caring enough about the person speaking to you to give them the gift of your time.
Humility
If patience is hard, humility is the next level. Humility means you are likely wrong in some way. Humility means prioritizing, “what does this conversation mean to and for the other person,” not, at least initially, its relevance and impact on me. Humility means it may not be my job to fix, coach, or even give perspective on the flaws we see in others.
Wisdom
When practicing practical mediation skills with clients that they can use at home, my business partner Brian and I regularly coach that discernment is the first step of relational wisdom. Discernment is the ability to see choice in the words you speak. Wisdom is prioritizing finding understanding versus response. Wisdom is discerning whether or not your response is even needed.
It may be easy to read this list and wonder whether you measure up to those aspirations. The encouragement I can offer?... Most things in life are about consistent practice and attitude.
This Week
Choose one conversation where you will practice meaningfully listening differently than you may have with this person. Pray before having the conversation, even if it's just a casual conversation. Note any changes in tone, pace, topic, or depth compared to your usual pattern.
Scripture to Consider
“The words of the godly encourage many, but fools are destroyed by their lack of common sense.” (Prov 10:21 NLT).
