3 Ingredients of Meaningful Listening
(names have been changed to protect confidentiality)
When James and Allen joined me on Zoom for their mediation session, the tension was visible. Both had what seemed to be forced half smiles as we read through the mediation guidelines. After voicing agreement to the guidelines with the enthusiasm you might expect from a teenager having to discuss screen time limits, we moved into an exercise that was designed to help them listen to one another. What happened next was a masterclass on what listening looks like when you are really just waiting to speak. After listening, each of them crafted a careful story about the other that was only peppered with elements of what had actually been spoken.
This moment of mediation really emphasized a core tenet of listening - you can’t truly speak graciously if you haven’t first meaningfully listened… How you listen shapes your words before they ever leave your mouth.
Did you know that our brains can listen at almost 3x the speed that we can talk?
A quick google search will show you that we listen at an average of 400 WPM (words per minute) and talk around 150 WPM. If I am landing the plane well, you have arrived with me understanding that our brains have significant capacity to modify information we receive before we respond to it.
This is why we need 3 things in our hearts, mind and body before we even consider speaking a word:
Patience
Our brains drive us to make conclusions and summarize info. Often we even do this preemptively. Patience means slowing this natural inclination to “conclude”. Patience means engaging in the words that are being spoken to you, not the words you may be adding or assuming. Patience means loving the person speaking enough to give them the gift of your time.
Humility
If patience is hard, humility is the next level. Humility means you are likely wrong in some way. Humility means first “what does this conversation mean to and for the other person,” not at least initially, its relevance and impact on me. Humility means it may not be my job to fix or bring light to the flaws of the other person.
Wisdom
When practicing practical mediation skills with clients that they can use at home, my business partner Brian and I regularly coach towards discernment as the first step of relational wisdom. Discernment is the ability to see choice in the words you speak. Wisdom is prioritizing finding understanding versus reacting. Wisdom is discerning whether or not your response is even needed.
It may be easy to read this list and wonder about measuring up to those aspirations. The encouragement I can offer?... Most things in life are about consistent practice and attitude.
This Week
Choose one conversation where you will practice meaningfully listening differently than you may have with this person. Pray before having the conversation, even if it's just a casual conversation. Note any changes in tone, pace, topic, or depth compared to your usual pattern.
Scripture to Consider
“The words of the godly encourage many, but fools are destroyed by their lack of common sense.” (Prov 10:21 NLT).
