Four Steps to Consider When Your Church is in Conflict…
Brian Shimer
The call came at 1 PM on a Monday…
“There’s one couple who are disrupting meetings and spreading pain! But they are oblivious to all the damage they are causing,” the pastor told me. “Is there anything you could do to help us?” She asked.
It is so hard to be in the middle of such turmoil!
Plus, people can behave in the most “un-Jesus-like” ways! In conflict, they forget who they are. They lose touch with their true identity and become “the worst version of themselves.” Yet, those same people might argue that they are justified in their behavior.
Unfortunately, this kind of situation is not unusual in the local church, no matter the size of the congregation. When people get upset, instead of talking to the person(s) they’re upset with, talk to others! Meetings happen in the parking lot after the official meetings end, and division ensues. No one goes to war alone. Instead, those upset gather others to join them in the upcoming battle.
Does this sound familiar to you?
As a leader, what can you do about conflict in your local church? Unfortunately, this kind of situation is not unusual in the local church, no matter the size of the congregation. When people get upset instead of talking to the person they’re upset with, they tend to talk to each other! Meetings happen in the parking lot after the official meetings ended and division ensues. We often say, “No one goes to war alone.” Instead, those upset gather others to join them in the upcoming battle. It is sad and true.
Step 1: Pray it Through!
Certainly, you already are doing this and know that the beginning of all good leadership is prayer. But let me encourage you again, pray and involve your leadership team and congregation in praying together.
“Prayer walk” the church property and the neighborhood around the building. Pray as you go. Like the Israelites marched around the city of Jericho, so prayerfully pray around the building and neighborhood with a praying leadership team and church community.
Paul wrote, “our struggle is not against flesh and blood,” yet so often in conflict, we can get mired against one another. Prayer is the great antidote. It is an opportunity to listen in for God’s directions. Often in conflict, we stop breathing altogether, and with our breath goes prayer. So, here’s our first step: return to prayer, friends. As with the pastor on Monday at 1 PM, a big conflict can be rooted in just a few people, or even one couple who become bent on it. We tell people, the vortex for conflict is often small. The earlier we get called in, the less collateral damage there is to clean up and the easier it is to resolve. But no matter how big the blaze has become, usually it can be narrowed to the place it began.
Step 2: Assess the Damage!
Write the names or groups of people in your church who are involved in the conflict. Who is speaking to whom? What groupings do you see developing? Are there small groups in which you know some of the damaging talk is occurring? Draw lines between people/groups connecting them, however you see the conflict or alignment in the conflict happening.
As with the pastor on Monday at 1 PM, a big conflict can be rooted in just a few people, or even one couple who become bent on it. The taproot, even for a large group conflict, is often small.
In assessment, you are seeking to understand a greater picture of what is happening in your local setting. It allows you to pray and work more effectively. You can also begin to assess how serious the conflict is. How many people is it impacting? Is there already collateral damage occurring? A smaller blaze can be more easily doused.
Step 3: Own it Completely!
Like the pastor who called us, own the fact: there is conflict, and it has spread in this manner.
Too simplistic?
You might be astonished to learn that many leaders refuse to admit there is conflict. In the church, we can lean into avoidance (a style of conflict management) when we encounter conflict.
In one church with two church bands that played for different services, the two leaders were in conflict with one another. The pastor told them, “Just don’t be in the same room together.” True story. The conflict continued through that leader's ministry. It was left for the following pastor to manage. He worked with those leaders on the conflict until resolved.
If not avoiding it, then churches accommodate (another conflict style) those difficult people to keep them pacified. Don’t rock the boat! Don’t get her upset! So, being in church feels like “walking on eggshells,” hoping not to get anyone upset. In churches, this is another way to let conflict simmer.
So, again, I encourage you, own it. There is conflict. Assess it… No question is off limits - was leadership complicit in it? What might you have done differently? Everything must be considered.
Step 4: Get Help!
In more than one church setting, we have discovered the current conflict has been simmering for years. In one church, it had involved the same small group and re-emerged pastor after pastor for thirty years. It is as if kindling can be in place, and a new spark sets it ablaze. This demanded outside help to see and help resolve it.
So, be honest enough to ask: “Do we have the tools within the church or denomination to sort and resolve it, or do we need outside assistance?”
A neutral party can be helpful to unravel a difficult conflict. It is a brave and bold step. When invited in, listening to those involved is our first step. We train the congregation in aspects of listening and often train the leadership in communication and conflict management skills. We pray and seek discernment for the best path to resolving the conflict and healing the people.
Remember, conflict in the local church is nothing new. There was not a New Testament congregation that did not experience it. Even the Jerusalem church encountered it, from without and within. So, if anything, you might feel encouraged to know you are in good company!
So, if you believe help is needed, do not hesitate to give us a call.